In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
