nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize