my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingđ
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes âI drove you last nightâ\nâYou got your dick sucked in the back seatâ
I texted him: âCome over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.â
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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