no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
