running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
