I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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