I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
