seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
