I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
