Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
