I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
