A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Randomize
