I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
