3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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