My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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