someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
