I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize