Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Everything about him screamed your future.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
