I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
