I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
