Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just cropdusted the office
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
