if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
