I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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