It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
