Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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