youre lurking in front of me
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
