at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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