new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
