Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
