our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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