if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
