I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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