Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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