someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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