O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
