Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
