Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
