apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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