Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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