Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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