Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize