I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
