Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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