if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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