She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
