I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
