yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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