just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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