I need to stop coming to work sober
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
