i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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