we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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