I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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