It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
