I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
