I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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